Love Loves Me: A Testimony
by Talisha Walton
I confess, in all honesty, I’ve always had an intense desire in my heart to find true love. I wanted someone who’d truly love me—unconditioned. I coveted love from someone who’d accept me with all of my flaws, look pass all of the mistakes I’ve made, and love me anyway, exactly as I am. For years I sought to find this elusive love in others, especially men, but to no avail. I certainly found something else, though, and the result of that finding, left me a bad and bitter, broken-hearted mess. It didn’t take long for all of that bitterness and brokenness to become pure hatred and uncontrollable anger toward others. I even hated myself and had began to believe that I wasn’t worthy of having a love that is true because I wasn’t being true to loving myself. If I didn’t love me, than why should anyone else? Sadly, but true, looking for love is what drove me to hate in the first place. It was the primary cause of my self-hatred, and hating myself had done the most damage of all. It had caused my heart to become a slowly crumbling stone in my chest.
I came from a broken home, and I was raised by an unstable and damaged mother who failed me numerous times; however, we’re best friends now. I grew up without my father. He chose to walk out on my mother before I was born and declined every chance given to get to know me; however, may God rest his soul. As a result of his absence and carelessness, I often felt confused, rejected, abandoned, and unloved. My mother abused drugs and alcohol all throughout my childhood; however, she’s drug free now. I was often teased, bullied, and even rejected by my peers because of it. We were constantly evicted from our apartments; she’d buy drugs instead of paying the rent to keep a roof over our heads, and it always left us with no other choice but to live with relatives. By the time I became a teenager, I found myself walking in her shadow, and well on my way to becoming just like her. When I became pregnant at the age of sixteen, I began to notice a similar pattern forming. I came into this realization and knew it was time to make the pattern, at the least, distinct, if not extinct. I knew, even in the condition of having a stony heart, that if a change wasn’t made, the cycle of a loveless life, with all of its failures, would surely repeat itself. A determination to become a better person grabbed ahold of me, but quickly developed into only a longing to do so.
In my eyes, my life was worthless. The process had already begun. I was becoming a victim of my poor upbringing, unfortunate circumstances, and the constant betrayal of the people in my life who claimed to love me, but would leap at any and every given opportunity that presented itself, to hurt me. I couldn’t understand why it seemed like the chances were always taken by the ones who I was really hoping would remain true to me. I thought, then, that if I was more like them, I’d be loved and accepted as one of them. Therefore, I gave up and caved in to all of the endless pressures lowlife had to offer; it was the only thing that surrounded me. I became efficient in every attempt to ruin the life of anyone, all because I had a bad one. I was an alcoholic delinquent who stayed out all hours of the night and was regularly involved in unspeakable acts. I rarely, if barely, attended school and I was down to do whatever I had to do to get my hands on just a little love, and by this time, even if it wasn’t really love, but still—it evaded me.
I ultimately decided, since I couldn’t have love in my life, I’d settle for hate and I quickly fell in lust with it because being with hate, made it easier to hide all of the feelings I had for love. I eagerly took hate by the hand, we went out, and made it a priority to hurt anyone and everyone. Hate introduced me to so much more and soon after, I quickly became a force to be reckoned with. All of the hatred I let inside made me cruel, vindictive, selfish, uncaring, unforgiving, and unapologetic, but much deeper inside, I still wanted love. I was truly just a lonely, lost, and loveless soul with trust, abandonment, and psychological issues who had successfully driven every single person, in my wreck of a life, out of it. I had lost all of my faith, I had no hope for a future, and I no longer believed in love. I finally came to the conclusion that love didn’t exist and if it did, then it definitely didn’t have any interest in ever loving me, so I made the difficult decision to abandon my pursuit to find it—for good. The moment I did, though, Love found me.
What I finally discovered is, I was wrong about love. Love isn’t any of those things I thought I wanted and needed. True Love isn’t even what I thought I coveted and isn’t truly an emotional feeling, at all. True Love, as it turns out, is truly an actual person, and this Person has always known me, although I never knew Him. This Person has always loved me, too, and it’s a true fact that this Person loves me so much, He chose to die so He could save my life. It was when, I finally admitted I was lost, that Love came and found me. He even forgave me and removed my stony heart, then created in me a new one. He made me a new Creation. He showed me, not what, but Who He truly is, and Who He has always been. I accepted Love in my heart by making an everlasting covenant with Him, He showed me how to forgive others, and then myself. He taught me how to love myself, and then others. I believe in Love, now. God is Love, and now, I know Him. I am in Him and He is in me. It is undeniably true, I love Love, and Love—loves me.
Talisha Walton is an author of Christian books. Writing has always been her passion, but she has a more intense passion to inspire believers to dig deeper and experience life as Christ intended through a personal relationship with Him. She stands firm on the fact that it’s completely natural to live a supernatural lifestyle while leading a normal life, operating fully in the gifts of The Holy Spirit and Talisha writes about such a lifestyle to enkindle a strong desire in others to seek after the hidden things The Lord spoke of in His Word. Jesus said that we would do even greater things. Such a lifestyle isn’t considered paranormal, but indeed supernatural. It isn’t at all magical, but is surely filled with miracles. Kingdom life is a spiritual life, not metaphysical. Learn more about this author at WriteousAuthor.com.
How to contact Talisha:
Amazon Author’s Page: www.amazon.com/author/talishawalton